| "Dom, where'd you go? Oh, there you are." |
[09 Jun 2009|10:38pm] |
Oh god, I suck so badly at Gears of War that it isn't even funny. This is how the tutorial went:
Okay, cool, in the cell I have control! Yay! All right, let's get this show on the roa GO OUT THE DOOR, STUPID, DON'T WALK INTO THE WALL. ...Hey, Dom, where'd you go? D: How do I turn the camera? Oh, there we go. Okay.
...What the hell? Where's the door switch? I'm examining the door but NOTHING IS HAPPENING. Oh, hey, there it is on the table! Cool. Door's open, go through it, didn't hit the wall this time! Success! Moving right along... GODDAMNIT STOP HITTING THE TRIGGER BUTTON. Ooh, cover tutorial! Success! ...Wait, how do I stay in cover while firing? STOP GETTING UP! YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOURSELF SHOT THAT WAY.
Dom, where'd you go? Oh, there you are.
Dom, where'd you go? Oh, there you are.
AUGH DESSICATED HUMAN CORPSES HANGING FROM THE CEILING.
Dom, where'd you go? Oh, there you are.
Dom, where'd you go? Oh, there you are.
Shoot that thing over there, no problem. ...How do I aim? Oh, there we go, target scope thingy. STOP MOVING WHEN I'M TRYING TO AIM. Oh, camera stick. Cool. Shoot the breaker, door's open, WTF THINGS ARE SNARLING AND SHOOTING AT ME WTF WTF WTF.
Under cover now! Good. Good. ...NO, DOM, I DON'T THINK I SHOULD TAKE POINT. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE NOTICED, BUT I HAVE BEEN UTTERLY INCOMPETENT SO FAR. THAT ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE.
...
OH, FINE.
How do I shoot without exposing myself for more than five seconds?! STOP SHOOTING AT ME HA, GOT YA. EAT LEAD, ALIEN SCUM. ...Are you aliens? Look, I don't even know, who reads the instruction booklets these days?
Running down the walkway. Right, open the door, no problem. ...Where the fuck is the switch? No, seriously, where is it? FINE, THEN, I'LL JUST SHOOT AT THE DOOR AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.
...Well, the bullet holes are fun, but that didn't help. Maybe I should try backtracking.
All right, seriously, who the fuck decided to install all the wiring so that every goddamn door switch is like half a mile away FROM THE FUCKING DOOR IT'S SUPPOSED TO OPEN?
Moving right along, another room, onto a gangway overlooking another room...
Hey, things are shooting again. IT WOULD BE AWESOME IF I COULD SEE WHERE THEY ARE. Augh, what am I supposed to be shooting at?! D: D: D: DOM STOP YELLING AT ME YOU'RE NOT HELPING MY CONCENTRATION LEVELS IN THE LEAST.
AHHHH BULLETS IN MY STERNUM WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM?
[pause]
D:
*flees upstairs*
Please note that that was not the end of the tutorial. I didn't even get through it. I can't even fucking aim properly, much less start pulling off headshots left and right.
FPS games and I have a history of unhealthy relationships, though, so I don't know why I'm so surprised. D: Games with melee weapons where you just hack the shit out of things with varying combos made of death and destruction and jump off of walls and do air flips and throw daggers and magic? I can rock those so hard. Games where you have to target shit and take it down from a distance with bullets? Not so much.
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